by Gideon J. (9th Grade)

Some of us, the reasonable ones, startle ourselves awake in the wee hours of the morning around this time of year with the realization that “spring has come.” But has it? What truly is spring?

People describe spring differently. Some are strict to its definition of being the season “in which vegetation begins to appear…from March to May,” as the Oxford English dictionary gives it. Others describe it by the feelings and emotional revival they might experience during those months. And others, surely, explain it some other way.

They are all wrong. Spring, in my highly respected opinion, is the season in which observing skiourokinesis becomes more common. And observing skiourokinesis is as of yet uncommon, so I think it perfectly safe to draw the conclusion that spring has not yet come.

Skiourokinesis, you see, is the skittering and scuttering and scattering flurry of movement caused by skiouroi—by skinny marmots—in the English tongue, by squirrels. The problem with this is, when I walk outside and glance around, I cannot help but think, why do those crazies say it’s spring? I observe no skiourokinesis, and as long as things stay that way I say there is no spring!

To conclude, I cannot in my right mind, even under the worst pestering and persuasion, concede that it is spring, as I see no squirrels. Thus all of you who are celebrating a new season of youth and freedom and whatnot must stop. 

Around now some of you may be screaming in utter indignation, your faces turning bright red and your hands flailing in the air as you frantically try to form words with mouths unfortunately rendered speechless in rage. Before you calm yourselves and speak, I shall save you the trouble by admitting that yes, I have seen Ephraim’s gazillion pictures of squirrels and, admittedly, of skiourokinesis. But I cannot believe them. I still say spring has not come, and I will retain this opinion until I am given firm, physical, empirical evidence of skiourokinesis!

That is all. You may carry on with life.